Where did I go wrong?

Do you know how many guys have blown me off in some various form of communication? By not returning calls, emails, invitations for concerts/food/sex... ? Of course you do. I tell you everything. But here's where I get confused, and sad- I have officially been called heartless for not returning a certain person's phone calls in a truly record-setting time period of TWO WHOLE DAYS.

I date a guy for 5 weeks, bringing my toothbrush to and fro to Brooklyn, and he up and disappears forever. One minute- "We should go to my friend's beach house this summer! I want you to meet my visiting BFF! You smell great!" The next minute- dead silence. I never see him again. I meet "the future love of my life" and have an amazing date that lasts for about 17 hours. Despite the fact that he tells me he wants me to carry his children at one point in the evening, he has personal issues and takes a hiatus from the enigmatic concept of "us" for a while. Much to my surprise, he comes back, via a positively sweet email two months later- and promptly disappears as quickly as he came. No returned call, email, nothing. I spend half my time trying to meet the right guy, and the other half of my time crying over all the wrong (most wrong, wrong-est) ones. And for this I get- after months, nay years, of being shat on- a shitty email basically telling me how shitty I am being for shittily not returning a couple shitty phone calls.

Excuse me a moment, while I just implore the universe: WHAT THE FUCK ?

It's not enough that I feel bad for being left by the rare dude I actually give a flying fuck about. No, I am destined to lead a life feeling sad for being left, and guilty for leaving. It's enough to make a girl want to give it all up. But I've tried that before, and look where it's gotten me- exactly nowhere. I despise dating. But what's the alternative? Live a solitary life, acquiring cats and marking pivotal milestones with a blogpost instead of real conversation with an actual human being? Just like my so-called career, I have no idea where I'm going or why I'm here anymore. Though that makes it sound like, at one point, I actually did know. In reality, I never knew- I've simply hoped that one day, something truly magical would happen and things would start to make sense.

I've never been the kind of girl to be defined by a man, but I am deathly afraid of being defined by lack of one.

And now, despite nothing but my best intentions, I am somehow being labeled not only hopeless, but heartless too. For once, I'd like to go back to just hopeless.

xoxoxoBon

I haven't eaten anything yet this morning, either.

Last night I dreamed about decorating the Christmas tree.



I want to come home.




xxxAnnie

Marching Bands of Manhattan

listen to it. if you need a good cry, because whenever I need a good cry, I do. and then surprisingly, it always manages to make me feel just a little better.... last night I put fresh sheets on the bed, cracked open the epic book that I love but seem never to have the chance to finish, and had an all-out Death Cab for Cutie listening marathon. journal by the bedside just in case I felt inspired.

the point is, I love this song. and it reminds me of you. and it reminds me of other things, times, that I needed to feel like someone would open their arms and give me the city I love best, the city that gets cold in November, that makes me cry on long days, that won't let me leave. that gives me the best things and the worst things, the best times and the worst times, but still will never let me even think I would ever want to leave.

because it is a beautiful view, if you take the time to look around. it is really a beautiful view.

xoxoxoxoBon

Because I needed to laugh/cry

http://pickaride.com/what-are-they-saying

Where the Shit have you been? NEW BLOG!

And yes, that is Shit with a capital S. I know you've been busy with, you know, all that uber-cool stuff people do when they live in France (things like purchasing baguettes from the boulangerie, carrying said baguettes under one's armpit, eating said baguettes in the park avec beurre, and dancing to euro techno with ambiguous foreign boys of course), but you better get in touch before I get all You Pay More Attention to Our Other Sister and needy and whiny and shit. Not that I'm not already being needy and whiny... I embrace that side of my persona. I really do. But I've been avoiding Skype because I'm hiding from a (former?) client (can it be considered hiding when she's the one who has refused to pay you, and you are slowly going broke and quickly getting screwed, and therefore you don't want to have to see her online because then you know she's still alive and it makes you want to fly across the Atlantic to another country and rip her eyeballs out?).

Anyways. I also want to let you know that in your absence from this blog, I've been forced to start another one. Actually, as stated in a facebook post, I consider blogging my 8th career. I'm not sure what the other 7 are yet, but I know I've started many careers so I must have a pretty good list going. Also, I have high hopes (perhaps tragically) that my Google Ads will take off and people will start clicking on them at a rate of 5 trillion per minute and I will quickly become a self-made millionaire and able to work while sitting on the toilet.

So go here! Read about (what else?!) me being broke and semi-employed in the most expensive city in the world!
http://onthecheapnyc.blogspot.com/

Wheeeee! Maybe it can be a joint venture when you return to me :) Though at the rate you're posting, it's not likely I'll let you in on such a lucrative scheme.

xoxoxoxoBon