Where did I go wrong?
Do you know how many guys have blown me off in some various form of communication? By not returning calls, emails, invitations for concerts/food/sex... ? Of course you do. I tell you everything. But here's where I get confused, and sad- I have officially been called heartless for not returning a certain person's phone calls in a truly record-setting time period of TWO WHOLE DAYS.
I date a guy for 5 weeks, bringing my toothbrush to and fro to Brooklyn, and he up and disappears forever. One minute- "We should go to my friend's beach house this summer! I want you to meet my visiting BFF! You smell great!" The next minute- dead silence. I never see him again. I meet "the future love of my life" and have an amazing date that lasts for about 17 hours. Despite the fact that he tells me he wants me to carry his children at one point in the evening, he has personal issues and takes a hiatus from the enigmatic concept of "us" for a while. Much to my surprise, he comes back, via a positively sweet email two months later- and promptly disappears as quickly as he came. No returned call, email, nothing. I spend half my time trying to meet the right guy, and the other half of my time crying over all the wrong (most wrong, wrong-est) ones. And for this I get- after months, nay years, of being shat on- a shitty email basically telling me how shitty I am being for shittily not returning a couple shitty phone calls.
Excuse me a moment, while I just implore the universe: WHAT THE FUCK ?
It's not enough that I feel bad for being left by the rare dude I actually give a flying fuck about. No, I am destined to lead a life feeling sad for being left, and guilty for leaving. It's enough to make a girl want to give it all up. But I've tried that before, and look where it's gotten me- exactly nowhere. I despise dating. But what's the alternative? Live a solitary life, acquiring cats and marking pivotal milestones with a blogpost instead of real conversation with an actual human being? Just like my so-called career, I have no idea where I'm going or why I'm here anymore. Though that makes it sound like, at one point, I actually did know. In reality, I never knew- I've simply hoped that one day, something truly magical would happen and things would start to make sense.
I've never been the kind of girl to be defined by a man, but I am deathly afraid of being defined by lack of one.
And now, despite nothing but my best intentions, I am somehow being labeled not only hopeless, but heartless too. For once, I'd like to go back to just hopeless.
xoxoxoBon
posted by Bon @ 2:18 AM
2 Comments:
This is why you need to write a book. Scenes like this. Because even if you can't laugh at the moment, the rest of us can (not at you, but because the ridiculosity cannot be believed).
And also, you love The Secret, so if you craft your own ending, that could be the final visualization you need to make it happen!
(I'm just trying to think like you here...How am I doing?)
And if all else fails, go somewhere secluded (in NYC? Ha!) and just scream "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" as loud as you can. :)
oh, I do scream FUUUUUUCK quite often- usually at the ceiling when I'm alone. but sometimes I'm tempted to do it in other, more inappropriate places, and then I get frustrated.
I like the idea about crafting my own ending though. that sounds nice.
call me on my cell soon? I will put $ in your skype account if you want, I am just never on my computer anymore unless I'm working while Maddi naps!
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