You've only been gone for seven hours, and yet I feel so strangely empty. I've already cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom and the next thing on my list is to start re-packing my stuff...
I expected weirdness -- still being in New York while you are gone -- but this isn't at all what I thought it would feel like.
Three months ago, I didn't know what to expect either. I wasn't sure what the summer would bring -- where would I work? Who would I meet? Would I ever learn the subways? Would we want to kill each other after the requisite "honeymoon" -- two weeks? Would this time determine whether or not I wanted to move here post-graduation?
Doing this and that to earn money -- babysitting, focus groups, wrangling unruly first graders -- has been the most fun I've had with a job [jobs] ever. I don't know that any of it could have been possible in another locale. I don't know that I would have wanted to do any of it elsewhere, anyway.
Hanging out with the roomies, with their friends, with yours, with my co-teachers and friends from my past, with strangers at the post office has made me value both them and everyone at home even more. I know what to look for in housemates, in party pals and in people I have to see on a regular basis no matter what. Knowing more and more different people, cheesy as it sounds, helps me know myself better.
Despite my many fuck-ups, I do know the subway now. I have to ride the Q tomorrow and I don't feel at all intimidated. Brooklyn, I am slowly conquering you!
I already feel like Astoria is my third home (after home home and Carolina, of course). This 'hood is as much mine as any of the patrons of the HomeMark and Conway. Even though next time I come back, things may have changed (bye bye, Blue Light; hello ???), I don't think I'll ever feel like a stranger again. I love this place, I love what you've shown me and what we've discovered together.
If I do move here when I graduate (or when I come back from the Peace Corps, or decide to go to grad school, or whenever in the future), I hope you're also still living here. I know you don't plan on going anywhere -- so don't. Because living with you this summer, the longest we've been together for six years, has been one of the best summers of my life, right up there with Teens on Stage (yes, I liked it that much) and Governor's School (natch). I would not have changed a thing about it, except perhaps the heat.
And I cannot thank you enough for letting me stay. I know family is supposed to help each other out, stick together, etc, etc -- but you put up with all my shit, you let my friends visit, you let me sleep in your bed every single night. How can I ever get you back?
Well, there is France. My doors (and my bed) are always open to you. Please come visit me! Maybe I can repay even just a little of everything you've done for me this summer. And maybe I won't feel so empty for a little while.
When I'm away from Sunjay, it's painful but normal -- we've never had a different arrangement, so by now it's routine and I settle into it easily. When I'm away from Mom and Dad, it's something of a relief, because they are still parent-y and it's still annoying to me. When I'm away from Lisa and Lee, I'm used to it, because I haven't lived with them in months and years anyway. It used to be the same with you.
But now it will be different. Now I feel the loss. It's noticeable, tangible. It will take some getting used to.
But let's not get too used to it, okay? Because there's always next summer...
xxxAnnie
p.s. I love you.
