Good things come to those who read

You know (as mostly everyone else in my life does) that I've been feeling a little down lately. Scratch that, I've been feeling a lot down. But, despite the fact that the world is a sad sad place, and life pretty much sucks, and all that, I know that it is high time that I get my sorry ass the hell up off the kitchen floor (figuratively, of course- most of the time) and quit feeling sorry for myself. I also know that in 24 years, despite the fact that I have had some extreme lows, I have been handed an arsenal of things that are proven (through my extreme highs) to kick the shit out of my sadness and make me realize how insignificant all this truly is. In a good way. So, I go through my list, piece by piece, hoping that these tried-and-true measures (writing, painting, running, playing with the kids, etc.) will get me through it, yet again. And I try lots of not so great measures (drinking profusely, crying profusely, um... yeah. not proud of my bad habits. but honest.) And, actually, even though from a rational standpoint, I know I should be able to boost myself, I really can't. I have been having a really hard time.

So, despite my skepticism, I picked up Katie's copy of The Secret a couple days ago. And as a purely scientific experiment (cause hell, what have I got to lose?) I tried the whole "law of attraction" positive-thinking thing out for a night. And, it could just be that I am the kind of person who looks for a sign in EVERYTHING, or it could be that it actually worked.

At any rate, I went to the Kate Nash show by myself, which I knew I had to do- not only because I really really like Kate Nash lately, but because I know it's good for me to do things by myself, to foster my independence. I went, and it turned out that there was no longer a $15 cover- it was free because Kate didn't get her US work visa in time (she's a Brit) and couldn't charge. Which is unlucky for her (though who really cares, she's got a major record label behind her), but seemed to be my reward for trying to be positive and doing something with myself besides going home with a bottle of wine. So, I'm staking out a spot at the bar, getting my personal groove on, and the bartender accidentally pours a Guinnesse for someone- oops, all the sudden it's mine!

Now maybe some people might not take a free concert and one lousy beer as a sign, but you know that I'm actually a big hippie at heart, so I will admit that it was a huge boost to my faltering emotional balance. Maybe that sounds sad, but you gotta take away what you can from situations, you know?

So I'm taking this. I'm going back to my original "everything happens for a reason" outlook on life, because that is the one thing that makes it possible for me to get out of bed in the morning. But I'm going to try really hard to stop crying over not knowing the reasons, and focus instead on the fact that I'm alive, and I can revel in a concert even alone, and I can at the very least try to control my destiny. If not my destiny, then my emotions. If not my emotions, then the most superficial of all things, the way I choose to interact with the rest of the world.

I don't know if I believe any of that The Secret crap. It's a bit much for even a self proclaimed hippie to stomach. But I do know one thing- that anything that can get me out of my own head, keep me from being locked in my misery, well- that can't be bad.

I hope you're feeling better. I think I am.
xoxoxoBon