I Think "It's" Over (or another nonsensical post about my search for the meaning of life)

I never thought I was that difficult to satisfy (here lies a girl who can happily spend an evening with nothing more than network tv and a takeout container) but it's become increasingly harder for me to find things (and by that I mean jobs, people) that make me want to stick it out.

As I've been pointing out for years, I have these "cycles." Come now, not that kind. I mean, my life seems to go in these cycles, running around and around itself, I guess until it gets tired and begins a new pattern. This is purely subconscious, I think, as I try, pointlessly, to psycho-analyze myself (refusing, as usual, to pay for anything I think I can do on my own). Either I'm full of crap (as I tend to think most of the professionals are anyways) or I'm destined for a made-for-tv rom-com. Whew. Anyhow, the new cycle is this:
-begin new [job, "relationship," etc.]
-envision a lifetime of happiness, coffee meetings, and long walks in the park
-realize this is not going to happen
-and that there are certain things that drive me INSANE about new [job, "relationship," etc]
-have a Zoolander moment and wonder if I will ever find [something, someone] that I will want to hang onto? what is my purpose, AGAIN? [cue Avenue Q soundtrack]

On the bright side, I am realizing (or at least making myself believe) that all the failed potential "relationships" I've had in the past two years, the ones that never made it past a month or two or even the first date or two, are probably blessings- had these guys stuck around long enough, I probably would have been driven nuts eventually and then stressed myself out over whether I should end it or not. Instead, some of these crazy people never stuck around at all, thus sparing me the potential emotional rollercoaster of decision-making.

This might sound depressing. It might sound confusing. Trust me, I'm plenty confused (right now the main question floating around in my scrambled-egg-brain is whether or not I'm even talking about a career or a guy, or both). But, I think the moral of this story is probably the same moral of all the other stories in the past few months, which is God's/fate's/whoever's way of telling me to breathe- envision sitting in AA, saying the Serenity Prayer, and take each day as it comes.

There has been no cheesier advice in the world. There has been no truer advice in the world.

What is my purpose? What is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of this post? I think the answer to all of these questions is: I have no freaking idea. And I probably shouldn't be thinking too much about it, as I have 5 million other things to do. And whether "it's" over or not probably doesn't matter very much when compared to these burning questions, and probably shouldn't. So I won't let it.

xoxoBon